Things I’ve Said to My 3 YO Son That I’ve Also Said to Men I’ve Dated

Originally published at MockMom: Sammiches & Psych Meds

By Lisa Pertoso of 100 First Dates

1. “Don’t stick your finger in that hole.”

2. “It’s okay to cry.”

3. “Wash your hands. I don’t know where they’ve been.”

4. “Cold pepperoni pizza is not a real dinner.”

5. “Put on some pants so we can leave for your friend’s birthday party.”

6. “Are those your pants with the brown stain on the butt that smell like wet cat hair, swamp, and Pop Tarts?”

7. “I’m picking out your pants.”

8. “Just because you coughed twice today doesn’t mean you’re sick.”

9. “It’s not fun to eat with someone who throws a tantrum when a dab of ketchup touches his scrambled eggs.”

10. “Use your words.”

11. “One more drink, then we’re going to bed. “

12. “No, I don’t want to role play Spiderman rescues Princess Leia for the fourth night in a row.”

13. “We can’t always get what we want. I want to make the same money as men for the same work. I want old men to stop trying to control my reproductive organs. I want to take all of the minutes I’ve wasted on fake-listening to men re-explain the thing I just explained to them and use it to solve the climate change crisis or finally finish knitting that unicorn hat from two winters ago.”

14. “One child is enough.”

15. “Please don’t pee on me.”

*****

About the Author Lisa Pertoso is an entrepreneur, writer, improviser, and former dater in NYC. She has contributed to The Belladonna, Glamour, Women’s Health, and most recently to the human race with her lady baby. Follow @lapertoso on Medium — https://medium.com/@LAPertoso, Twitter — twitter.com/lapertoso, and catch up on her blog 100 First Dates — www.100fd.com.

Originally published at https://www.sammichespsychmeds.com on July 23, 2019.