A Letter to Congressman Kinzinger’s Cousin Karen from the Commander-in-Chief of the Devil’s Army: We Want You!

One of the Devil’s Army core values is wrath and you nailed it.

Two days after Mr. Kinzinger called for removing Mr. Trump from office following the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol, 11 members of his family sent him a handwritten two-page letter, saying he was in cahoots with “the devil’s army” for making a public break with the president.

The author of the letter was Karen Otto, Mr. Kinzinger’s cousin, who paid $7 to send it by certified mail to Mr. Kinzinger’s father — to make sure the congressman would see it, which he did. She also sent copies to Republicans across Illinois, including other members of the state’s congressional delegation. — New York Times, 2/15/21.

Dear Ms. Otto,

General B. Eelzebub, Commander-in-Chief of the Devil’s Army here. It’s my duty to set the record straight: your cousin Representative Kinzinger is not in cahoots with our organization. But you, Karen, are exactly the kind of hell-raiser we need!

The Devil’s Army recruits humans committed to nefarious teamwork like how you corralled ten other family members to publicly besmirch your blood relative. To be a soldier of Hades one must possess courage like how you sent that letter certified mail not only to Kinzinger’s old man, but also to the New York Times and to Rep. Kinzinger’s colleagues. Now that’s some chutzpah!

Potential warriors of Lucifer also exemplify discipline such as how you hand wrote that letter in the lost art of cursive (I always get my capital Ts and Fs mixed up), and thrice underlined the words “disappointment” and “embarrassment.” As you may know, one of the Devil’s Army core values is wrath and you nailed it.

Therefore, Karen, it is with great pleasure that I invite you to join our basic combat training, known as “hoof camp.” In ten short weeks we’ll transform you from an evil civilian into a standard demon. You’ll learn to grow and groom your horns, how to hold a pitchfork without poking yourself in the corneas, and how to march with a tail between your legs. Will you be in cahoots with us and vow to “Be as bad as you can be”?

Sincerely,

General B. Eelzebub

Devil’s Army Commander-in-Chief